I think that is the word that adequately describes how I felt the day after I was released from the hospital in Ocala, FL back in 2001. I had been flown to the states after months of battling an unknown illness and I was deteriorating as time went on. My cardiologist had placed me in the hospital and called in an infectious disease specialist to take over my case. She had run numerous of tests on me including a spinal tap. I had lain in my hospital bed for the required number of hours flat on my back and then was discharged to my parents house where we waited for the results. My mom and dad had to go to work and I felt gross after all the prodding and testing I had been through, so I decided to clean myself up a little. However, I was very weak and couldn’t stand very long, so I filled the bath tub with hot water and did the best I could.
I remember lying there and realizing my life was slipping away. I can’t describe it other than I had no strength left to fight and I was tired. It was a tired that I believe comes from illness and grief. I thought on my family back in Brazil and my little son who was learning to walk without me there by his side. I pictured Mark’s face and his strong arms and then my mind went to Wyatt and Katie and Amelia. I could almost smell their little necks and cheeks. I knew if I didn’t get out of that tub at that moment and get to a phone, I would never see them again.
I was desperate.
I don’t know where I found the will power to crawl across the bathroom floor and out into the hallway to reach for a phone, but I did. God spared my life and gave me enough health to make it to today. (I have to say Praise the Lord here).
When I read the following passage, I identify with the Psalmist:
42:1 To the chief Musician, Maschil, for the sons of Korah. As the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God.
2 My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God: when shall I come and appear before God?
3 My tears have been my meat day and night, while they continually say unto me, Where is thy God?
4 When I remember these things, I pour out my soul in me: for I had gone with the multitude, I went with them to the house of God, with the voice of joy and praise, with a multitude that kept holyday.
5 Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance.
6 O my God, my soul is cast down within me: therefore will I remember thee from the land of Jordan, and of the Hermonites, from the hill Mizar.
7 Deep calleth unto deep at the noise of thy waterspouts: all thy waves and thy billows are gone over me.
8 Yet the LORD will command his lovingkindness in the daytime, and in the night his song shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life.
9 I will say unto God my rock, Why hast thou forgotten me? why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?
10 As with a sword in my bones, mine enemies reproach me; while they say daily unto me, Where is thy God?
11 Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.
I have been desperate many times over the years since that illness, but I have also garnered faith and trust through each situation. Sometimes it takes me a little longer to get to the place where I fully trust God with the circumstances because I let fear rule in my heart instead of knowledge.
This morning as I stood in front of the Keurig machine, I wondered what it would be like if I just let go and quit trying. My eyes were blurred by tears as I thought about several situations I am currently facing and I was momentarily down in my spirit. Like, REALLY down. You know the feeling. Desperation.
I got out my vitamins, pressed the blue lit button on the coffee machine and listened to it growl to life. I chewed on my gummy vitamins and stared. I just felt hollow.
Then the Holy Spirit nudged me and it’s like He asked me, “Sheri, think on what is true.”
I grabbed my spoon, stirred some cream into the dark coffee that now filled my cup and I thought, “I am saved. My position in Christ has not been altered. God loves me. God can help me.” All of these things are based on Scripture and His Word is Truth. My inward self began to feel a little bolster. Not sure if you can call it faith or trust, but it was something that was dispelling the hollowness and sadness.
Have the circumstances changed that are weighing on my heart and shoulders? No. They have not. Matter of fact, they have worsened as my day has progressed. I honestly could not begin to surmise how God will work in them to straighten them. And for some reason, He decided to add another trial within the last few hours. Sure, why not? Apparently it is something I can bear in His strength, because let me assure you, I have none left of myself. None.
I will agree with the Psalmist in prayer and tell my soul to stop being cast down.
I will yet praise Him through these matters.
He will be the health to my countenance.
He IS my God.
Are you desperate? Is your heart longing for God and His strong arm to move in your life? Is your soul disquieted?
Think on Truth and let it sustain you.
God was David’s “stay” in II Samuel 22. That means He was David’s support in the time of trouble.
2 Samuel 22:18-19
18 He delivered me from my strong enemy, and from them that hated me: for they were too strong for me.
19 They prevented me in the day of my calamity: but the LORD was my stay.
David called out to God in his distress and God had listened and God acted.
2 Samuel 22:7
7 In my distress I called upon the LORD, and cried to my God: and he did hear my voice out of his temple, and my cry did enter into his ears.
David recognized and STATED the TRUTH about God.
2 Samuel 22:31-33
31 As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all them that trust in him.
32 For who is God, save the LORD? and who is a rock, save our God?
33 God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect.
David gave thanks because of the acknowledgment of Truth and it dispelled fear.
2 Samuel 22:47-51
47 The LORD liveth; and blessed be my rock; and exalted be the God of the rock of my salvation.
48 It is God that avengeth me, and that bringeth down the people under me,
49 And that bringeth me forth from mine enemies: thou also hast lifted me up on high above them that rose up against me: thou hast delivered me from the violent man.
50 Therefore I will give thanks unto thee, O LORD, among the heathen, and I will sing praises unto thy name.
51 He is the tower of salvation for his king: and sheweth mercy to his anointed, unto David, and to his seed for evermore.
Are you desperate? Dispel that fear with truth. Choose to acknowledge God. In five minutes you may need to do it again as your flesh begins to battle, but He will give you the victory and you can “run through a troop and leap over a wall” with Gods help.
Until Next Time, Lord willing,
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Today’s reading: Exodus 27 / II Samuel 23-24 / Psalm 43 / Acts 19